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The reason I am writing this essay is that I was told to and because of the stupid thing that I did. I was going out of the house when I should have been staying home and sleeping but I made the choice to leave and the choice to get in to trouble. To every problem there are two sides there are the good side and the bad side and when you do something wrong it always seems that the bad out weighs the good and that is how it is.
The good things that came from this are not very many but there are some. One of the good things that came from this is that I was able to be one with nature and one with myself. I know that something's in life you do not think about the consequences until after you have done the thing you got in trouble for, and that is what I went up there for to think. My life in the last months has been the worst two months in my life first it was camp and then this. So that is when I decided myself with no one else's thoughts to sneak out of the house and just go somewhere that was very peaceful. As I was ridding, my bike I found that place it ended up being a field just up the road it was the perfect place that I could do all the thinking that I wanted to do. And the thinking that I had to do was to now think out the other out comes off all the stupid things that I did in the past and what would have happed if I made a different chose. The reason I did this is when you have personal problems that you do not want to tell any one because you are scared or that they might laugh at you for worrying about something so little or big so you end up keeping them all in side and letting them build up. That is what my problem was I had so many little things that I had to figure out and think about that is why I went up there are in the field. Another good thing that came from this is that I finally realized that I can be out of the on my own and not worry about my self or others. When I was up in the field I was only thinking of me and that is because I was the one with the problems that had to be sorted out so other important people that where in my life did not come to mind, while I was sneaking out or when I was ridding my bike up the hill to get to the field and I am not saying that is very good but it showed be I am ready to live a life of me own and not have to listen to other people to make my own decisions to do things which I think is a very good thing. Another good thing that came from going up to the field is that it made me realize just actually, how many people do love me. If no one loved me, then when mom yelled up the stairs for me and then she realized that I was not there. She only found that out by putting her self in danger by climbing the stairs up to my room by her self. She could have fallen and hurt her self very badly and when she did get up to my room, she saw that I was not in the room. If she did not love me she could of just said to her self that he will be home sometime, and then she could of went back to bed but she did not she woke up John and asked him if she could help her find me, because I was not where I was supposed to be. She did all of this because she loves me. She also got dad involved in this by calling him on the phone to tell him what I did and then he sat and talked to me to try and figure out why I did go up to the field which showed that he loved me and John showed that he love me by coming and looking for me with mom at 100 at night. And the last good thing that this trip taught me is to always tell some one in the house where you are going to be if you are going to go out side for a while or even a little while if you are going to a place that you would not normally go. And when you do ask then most of the time if the person thinks it is a bad idea they will ask you why and then say no or that you can go somewhere else to do your thing that you need to do or what they would do if they where in your situation this is why I did not ask to go. With every one of these good things came a good and a bad side that is how everything in life is.
Like I said in the starting paragraph everything has a good and bad side well now her is the list of things that could of happed from my actions of sneaking out. The first thing that could of happed is when I was getting down from the roof I could of slipped and fall and possibly of landed on my head and end up doing one of two things one breaking my neck making my self paralyzed for the rest of my life or two I could of broke my neck ended up in death if I broke it in the right spot. The next bad thing that could of happed in order is that I might have been hit my a car or truck and no one could of helped me till the morning because that is when they would notice I was not coming downstairs or answering from the up stairs then it would be at least 6 hours in a ditch with no help and I would of probably would of died there and that would hurt all the people that love me very much. Another bad thing that happened is that I lost all the respect and trust that my family had in me. And when you lose things like trust and respect it is very hard to get them back. It is in a way funny it can take you years to earn trust and respect but it only takes one stupid thing and one sec to take it all away after I have work on it for so long. Another bad thing that could of happened is that we have a bear with cubs up here and while I was sitting there one of the cubs could of came near me and the mother bear would of thought that I was hurting one of here babies and she would of possibility of attacked me and I probably would me in very bad shape or even dead that that would not be good. The bad things that could of happed or the bad things that did happen all help a person to learn the mistake that they did and what was the reaction of other people would be.
I think that the punishments that I got of sneaking out fit very well. By this, I mean that when I got home mom and john could have said well your home and then went to sleep. If they would of done that I would wonder what was wrong with them because they always want to deal with things that are happing right now then deal with them later if that would of happened then I would feel less loved. The punishments that that I got mostly went along the lines of thing that I take for granted like using the internet when ever I want to so that I can help my self in a game or finally under stand a song that I have been trying to sing. Another one of my punishments that I got was that I could not talk on the telephone. And this helps and it also hurts at the same time. It helps because I can not talk to any one so I have more time to do things that I want to do and it hurts because there are girls that call me up asking me questions about how guys think and they also sometimes ask for moral support and they call me because they know I will be here for them. Another punishment was that I could not ride by bike. And that sounds all fair because that is what I used to get to the field. If I did not have my bike it would probably take me at least 45 min to get to the field but with my bike it only takes a couple minutes which leaves me more time to think by my self in nature. The last punishment that I got was that I could not keep my bed room door closed at night. The reason I had it closed to start with is that I would be the only one in the house with the windows open because it was so hot in the up stairs so I did not want the cold air from out side going down stairs and making the down stairs more cold which in return would cost money because we would have to turn on the heater. Which would cost more money?
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My actions have made me stop to think about how good my life is I mean this because I do not have to worry about things that young adults my age do in other countries or just in different homes. I never have actually went hungry because I have always have had some type of food that I could eat even if I did not want it the food was still there for me. Another thing that I have not had to worry about is that I have the things that I need to live. And that is water, shelter, food, and air and some people just worry about one or all of them every day. When people stop worrying about these things, they forget they can go away just as fast as they got them. And that's what happened to me the things that I lost I thought that they would always be there for me even though that I lost did not determine if I would live or die they choose if my life as a 16 year old male would be boring or if it would very fun. The things I am talking about are my bike, the telephone, and one thing that every child thinks that they have to have and that is freedom. My bike gave me the freedom to go where I wanted to when I wanted to and it also makes it a lot faster to get places that I what to go or to places that I need to go. It also gave me a way to check how much my parents trusted me. I could tell mom did not trust me yet but she had to over the summer because I had to go to school and she did not want me to go down the road that we live on but she new that I would do it some time with or with out her permission some time so she decided that she would let me go and hope that I would be safe. However, with all of that protection, some times a person feels trapped and the bike was my transportation away from the protection. Some times I feel that the protection that mom and dad put on me is very too much. If you stop and think about it there are three people putting the same amount of pressure on me to be safe and not to do this or not to do that it all adds up and the protection is to much it some times feels almost like I can not do any thing. Mom's protection is that I can not ride my bike with out a helmet I think it is a law but the police do not really care if you have one on or not but if you get in a accident and you are not wearing a helmet and you get hurt on the head then the police will say that you should have been wearing a helmet so I can see where that protection is another protection that mom puts out is that I can not have my head phones on if I am walking or ridding my bike because she says that I can not hear if a motorist comes up behind me she want me to be able to hear them I know this is for my own safety so I do this one as well mom has more protections that she puts on me but they are so small almost every child has them. Dad also has protections he has for me like one of many is that he will not let me play to many video games while I am at his house I do not know why he does this because I have been playing video games all may life and yes I have been affected by the in both negative and positive ways I think he does not want me playing them for that reason. And mostly all of john's protections go though mom so they end up mom having the final say which she has with every thing else.
With the actions that I have done there have been many consequences that have been in present like getting killed or other things along that line. But now I am going to talk about the future and what my decision may have changed my life in many ways that are good but they are also bad. When you do some thing in the present it can affect the future and the past. I know this sound confusing but it is true for if you did one wrong thing then another and you got in trouble the first time and now that you know what is going to happen to for the wrong thing the first time you did it now it will be a harsher punishment because the first one must not of been strong enough to say not to do that and when punishments build and build they will eventually have no where to go and that is what could of happed to me this could have been the start of some thing that could of put me in jail because today it might have been just going to the field to think about problems that I have had in the past months but in time it might of ended up in some thing a lot worse. When things happen some times, I like to believe that they happen for a reason. Some times the reason is to show what could of happed if you fell through with this plan or to show you what did happened and this is what you have to do now because of what you did. Some things in live always turn out the same way no matter how you try to do it. Even if you do some thing that some else did you will eventually do the same thing you might not have done the same process to get to that point but the point stayed the same and the point is the punishment. And punishments only do two things get worse or they stay the same that is it there is no other way to put it. When some one does some thing on impulse they hardly ever sit down and think about the consequences that could happen they always go off do what they wanted to do then they are shocked that when they get caught they get in so much trouble but if they would of sat down then there brain would have had time to say hay stupid don't do this don't you remember what happed last time. And that part of the brain is called the conscience every one has one but I think some peoples conscience is louder then others. Because if you notice the people that do not have a very loud conscience tend to do more little things that are stupid like talking to a person that you know if you talk to them you might get in a fight but to go and talk to them anyway and your conscience ends up being right you got in a fight and now you are wondering why did you just tune your conscience out it was because you thought that you could control your actions and you found out that you could not. That is what happed to me I had a conscience that said do some thing to let mom and john know where I was going so that I would not get in as much trouble as I would of if i just left and did not tell any one what or were I was going to. Things in every one's life time challenges a person conscience now they might listen to it or not but that is up to them the one that listen to there conscience do not get in as much trouble as the ones that do not listen to there conscience. I just wish that the conscience could be louder on subjects that will harm a person more so that they have a better chance to listen to it and by that I mean by harm is not like taking things away I mean harm to a persons well being and there respect for them self and other people in there life. The problem is that there are so many consequences that a person does not think of all of them when they do the thing the there conscience tells them not to do. The ones that they do think of they think to them self if they can live with the consequences and they tell them self yes I can and then when they do it it is the other consequences that they did not think of that are the ones that they can not deal with and that is what I did I felt that the consequences that I came up with I could live with but the ones that mom john and dad came up with I found out I could not I am still living but with out those consequences I would be better off.
They say in book and in magazines that almost every teenager some time in their life of living with their parents will seek out of the house. Well when I have kids and I am finally saying I will have some that I do not exactly know what I would do. There are many ways that I could deal with this. And also it depends if it is my daughter or my son that seeks out first by that I mean the first one will teach the second one not to sneak out because of what they got when they did it. One of many way I could deal with it is the same way mom did is when she found out that I was not where I was supposed to be she when out looking for me I guess that I would do the same thing to when I am a father. Or I could do the father thing and go out on the porch in total darkness and wait of him or her to come home and scare them so much that they would not do it again. In addition, another way is that if I know that he or she sneaked out of the house I would probably count the number of times and then let the number of times he or she snuck out as months or week depending on how large the number is and then when I fell the time is right like when he or she wants to go some where with his or her friends that is really important to her then I would tell them that they are ground for as many times that they went out of the house with out my permission or consent. The problem today is that children and teens are trying to get away from there parents it is not because we do not love them or want to be with them it is that some times we just want to be with friends or by our selves so that we can not take orders form other people just of a couple minutes in a day. And then one day when we are older we tend to go back to are parents for help on raising children or little tricks of the trade to doing things around the home and many other things that we need help with. When you are a kid or teen you tend to think that your parents are the dumbest people on the face of the planet because they have no idea what you are going through and that is because you will not tell them. Yes times have changed form when they were kids but the same ideas are still around so they have a pretty good idea what you are going through and they can help with some things if you let them and that is what I am at fault for with my teenage life the same with almost every one you do not tell every little thing that happened the hole day no you tell the things you want other people to here and the things that end up not telling tend to be the things that bother you for a very long time until you tell some one that you trust not saying that do not trust any one it just that there are something in life that you fell that you should keep to your self and that is why I went to the field.
When a person loses some thing that took a long time to get it will take just along or longer to get what they lost back. The thing that I lost is the trust mom, john, and dad had in me to be where I was supposed to be and I broke that trust in a mater of seconds and it took 16 years to get it. Now that I have broken this trust I want to and well have to get it back soon. The trust that I had was that they could say well Paul is here or that he is there now they do not know if I am there because of what I have done. To regain this trust will take hard work and it will take probably a very long time to get. I plan to do every thing that I can to get the trust back like tell them if I plan not to do some thing or tell them that I am planning to do some thing or go some where a long time before the event comes up. When a person breaks trust the do not think that the trust will hard to get it back until they find out what trust and with who they broke it with. With some people, the trust will be back in a week or two but with other people the trust that the person had with them will take a lot longer. Some times I feel that trust is some times over rated yes it is good to have with other people and it decides on how you treat them which I thing is wrong now every night while I am up stairs I have to yell to mom at the bottom of the stairs to say that I am up in my room where I belong that is what I am talking about she does not think that I have learned my lesson and checks on me every night it some times makes feel like I am a prisoner and she is the warden. But I understand why she dose this because when she checks on me then she knows that I am in my room and not out of the house. Nevertheless, in order to have trust in other people do not you need trust in your self first. There is another person that I have to build up my trust with but when you build up your own trust it normally takes longer then any one else's because when every one else trust you they think that you have learned from your small or large mistake but in your own it takes normally longer because you know the truth and when one part of you knows the truth and the other part says no that this is the truth and that is why it takes so long for your own self trust to build back up one side is fighting with the other to say who is right and you will not have trust or peace with your self until the time you finally decide what is the truth and what is the lie. And you do not what to settle with the lie because after a while you will start to believe the lie and you will think that the lie is the truth and that will make it even long for trust to build up.
Now that I have written this essay I have a better sense of right and wrong not that I did not have it before but this in a way opened way eyes to the big picture. During the sixteen years of my life I have been focusing on the now when I should of been thinking about the future and now that is has happened I have been acting a little different to my self and others and that is good because my behavior be fore was good but it was not the best that it could be. I feel that I used to have the attitude that every one was out to get me and that I had to defend my self against them. I used to have walls to protect me from things that I did not under stand and this little trip to the field has started chipping at that wall and I am finally under standing the meaning of being a parent and a grown up and that is to do little things that to you are not very important but to other people they are very important like telling where you are so that people know. And the funny thing about this essay is that I did not need to go anywhere to think about what I was going to type and I do not know why. With a project this big I should have had to go some where to think but I did not I feel that is because I have written all of my feeling in accord to my action of going to the field and that is very good that I have gotten rid of that feeling because even thought all the punishment that I have got I would probably do this again but now I have no reason to for that I have my own field in my mind that I go to every night in stead the real one up the road. I promises that from this point forward I will try to my fullest capability to let some one know where I am at all times.
The real reason that I have done this is that every one needs personal time and now that I have gone through the time of my life that I needed to do this I feel better but I also feel worse because I had everyone scared thinking that had run of died and that would have been very bad I would of left many things in life that I have worked so hard for and they could have been gone in one slip of the wrist by a drunk driver. The things that I would of lost are large and small but they are still very important to me like my family and friends they I have came to know so well they. Some of them would be sad and I know some of my family that does not know me also would be very sorry. I would of put the burden of having a parent bury there child and no parent should have to do that and I would of made mom do that if I was killed and I would not want that because I think if she knew I was gone for ever she would flip because I am so important to her. Another thing that would of left behind is all the years I have put in to karate even after camp I am still proud to be in the association and that is because I need to show to my self that I van do anything that I put my mind to that includes getting my brown belt back and getting this essay done. And all of this my hopes and dreams of becoming a nurse and also becoming a black belt could have been erased in a matter of seconds if I did not pay attention to the road and the noises around me on my way to the field.
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